How I Ended Up in an "Open Relationship" Without Knowing It: Where Honesty Ends and Deception Begins

I always thought open relationships were something completely outside my world. Not my story, not my kind of relationship, and definitely not a scenario I would ever want to find myself in. And then one day, I discovered that I had, in fact, already become part of one. There was just one small detail: nobody had told me about it.

I always thought open relationships were something completely outside my world. Not my story, not my kind of relationship, and definitely not a scenario I would ever want to find myself in. And then one day, I discovered that I had, in fact, already become part of one. There was just one small detail: nobody had told me about it.

And this is where things get interesting.

It All Started Like an Ordinary Date

One evening, I opened a dating app again. I had no particular expectations and no romantic fantasies. I was simply scrolling through profiles, occasionally liking someone, and thinking that, apparently, most of the men on that app used exactly the same collection of photographs.

A little gym. A little travel. The obligatory photo with a glass of wine. And somewhere in the middle of it all, the mysterious phrase: “I love life.”

But one profile genuinely caught my attention. We turned out to have many interests in common and similar tastes in music and movies. I liked his profile, and we matched quite quickly.

We started chatting. The conversation was easy, without strange hints or endless “Hi, beautiful” messages. A few days later, he suggested meeting in person.

Coffee, conversation, laughter. We talked about movies, music, travel, and life. The first date went well, so we soon agreed to meet again.

The second date was pleasant too. So pleasant that afterward we ended up at my place, watching a movie together.

And somewhere around that moment, almost without me noticing, a dangerous thought appeared in my head:

“What if this actually turns into something?”

The next day, I received a message that quickly brought me back from my romantic fantasies to reality.

“How do you see me? What kind of relationship are you looking for with me?”

I read it several times.

We had only met twice. We hadn’t talked about the future, defined the status of our relationship, or even had enough time to decide whether we wanted to see each other for a third time.

So I suggested that he answer the question himself.

And that was when he told me his “secret.”

He was married.

A Surprise I Hadn’t Asked For

According to him, he and his wife had an open marriage. Everything was honest. Everything had been agreed upon. His wife knew about his dating and meetings with other women.

At first glance, you might ask: What’s the problem?

But somehow, knowing that “everything was honest” didn’t make me feel relieved.

Quite the opposite.

First, I laughed. Then I felt uncomfortable. And finally, I felt something close to being offended.

Because there was one person in this story who knew nothing.

Me.

His wife knew.

He knew.

But I didn’t.

And that’s when I came up with a question that turned out to be much more interesting than this particular story.

If open relationships are based on mutual consent, can a person be part of such a relationship without knowing that they are participating in one?

Is it enough for two people to have made an agreement between themselves?

Or does the third person also have the right to know what kind of relationship dynamic they are entering?

“But His Wife Knew. Why Are You Upset?”

That is exactly what someone could say in response to my question.

His wife knew. According to the rules they had established, he wasn’t cheating on her. So, formally speaking, he had been honest with his partner.

But had he been honest with me?

To me, the answer is obvious.

No.

After all, I might have agreed to meet him precisely because I believed he was a single man. If I had known from the beginning that he was married, my answer would have been different.

That means I made my decision without having an important piece of information.

And this is where a very simple but fundamental concept comes in: informed consent.

Consent Isn’t Simply Saying, “I Don’t Mind”

In a healthy relationship, consent is neither silence nor the absence of protest. It is a conscious decision made by a person who has enough information to understand exactly what they are agreeing to.

If a man tells a woman, “I’m single,” and then, after several dates, tells her, “Actually, I’m married, but we have an open relationship,” the situation changes completely.

Because now the woman is given the opportunity to make a decision that she was initially denied.

She can say:

“I’m okay with that.”

Or she can say:

“No, that’s not for me.”

But what matters is that she should have the right to make that choice before she becomes emotionally involved, starts trusting the person, or develops an intimate relationship with them.

Otherwise, this is no longer really honesty. It is simply revealing a fact after the relationship has already begun.

So, What Exactly Are Open Relationships?

Open relationships are a form of consensual non-monogamy. In other words, partners consciously agree that they may have romantic or sexual relationships outside their primary partnership.

In theory, it sounds quite simple.

There are rules.

There are boundaries.

There are honest conversations.

And everyone has the right to say “yes” or “no.”

But the word “consensual” is the most important part here.

Open relationships differ from cheating precisely because everyone involved knows about the relationship structure and consciously agrees to be part of it.

But if one person knows nothing while two others have made an agreement between themselves, the situation becomes much more complicated.

Because the consent of two people does not automatically become the consent of a third.

Are Open Relationships Really About Honesty?

In recent years, people have been talking more and more about open relationships. On social media, they are often presented as an alternative to traditional monogamy.

The idea is that people no longer hide their desires. They talk openly about jealousy. They learn to establish boundaries. They discuss their needs. They don’t lie to each other.

And there is some logic to this.

Consensual non-monogamy really does require a very high level of communication. People have to discuss things that many monogamous couples prefer not to talk about at all: What counts as cheating? What rules apply? How much time do partners spend together? Is it okay to fall in love with other people? And how should agreements change if life suddenly takes an unexpected turn?

In this sense, open relationships can indeed be very honest.

But there is one important condition.

Honesty must extend to everyone who is affected by the relationship.

The Problem Begins When “Openness” Becomes One-Sided

Let’s imagine a simple situation.

A man tells his wife, “We can date other people.”

His wife agrees.

Together, they establish certain rules.

Everything seems fine.

Then the man meets another woman and tells her nothing.

He isn’t lying to his wife.

But he is hiding the truth from his new partner.

Can we really call a relationship like this ethical?

In my opinion, no.

Because ethics shouldn’t work according to the principle: “I kept my agreement with my wife, so the rest is none of my business.”

If another person enters into an intimate or romantic relationship, they also have the right to know the context.

They have the right to say “yes.”

And they have exactly the same right to say “no.”

“But You Could Have Just Walked Away”

Yes.

And I did.

For me, dating married men is a hard no. The reason is personal: my own marriage was once destroyed by infidelity. So I know for certain that I don’t want to find myself in a situation that goes against my values.

But there is something else that matters here.

I want to be able to make that decision for myself.

Not after two dates.

Not after becoming emotionally close.

Not once I already like the person.

But from the very beginning.

Because a person’s right to choose begins with their right to know the truth.

Should You Ask a Man If He’s Married on the First Date?

After this experience, I realized something: sometimes it’s better to ask an uncomfortable question than to receive an even more uncomfortable answer later.

“Are you currently in a relationship?”

“Are you married?”

“Are you emotionally and legally available?”

It doesn’t sound particularly romantic.

But it is certainly more romantic than discovering after a few dates that you have accidentally become a new participant in someone else’s family agreement.

Of course, no one is required to sit through an interview before a first date. But if building a monogamous relationship is important to you, asking about someone’s relationship and marital status is a perfectly normal part of getting to know them.

And Still: Can Open Relationships Be Ethical?

Yes.

But not because they are “more modern” than monogamy.

Not because people in them never feel jealous.

And certainly not because the word “open” automatically makes a relationship honest.

They can be ethical only when everyone involved knows what they are entering into and freely agrees to that type of relationship.

If one person doesn’t know that other partners exist, that is an entirely different story.

And it doesn’t matter how beautifully we choose to describe it.

“Open marriage.”

“Free relationship.”

“Consensual non-monogamy.”

If a person did not give consent because important information was withheld from them, then it was not a conscious choice.

My Main Takeaway

Perhaps the most important thing about this story isn’t even whether open relationships are right for me. Clearly, they aren’t.

What matters more to me is this: no relationship model frees people from the responsibility to be honest.

Monogamy doesn’t guarantee fidelity.

Open relationships don’t guarantee honesty.

Marriage doesn’t guarantee love.

And beautiful words about freedom don’t guarantee respect for other people’s boundaries.

Ethics doesn’t begin with what we call our relationship. It begins with a simple question: Does the other person know the truth, and do they have enough information to freely decide whether they want to be part of this story?

Perhaps that is the most important rule of any relationship — open, monogamous, or anything else.

Never make a person agree to something they didn’t even know existed.

That’s why my personal advice to women is simple: if a monogamous relationship is important to you, don’t be afraid to ask a man directly about his relationship and marital status. It isn’t distrust, and it isn’t an interrogation.

It’s a way of taking care of yourself.

You have the right to know who you are going on a date with.

And you have the right to decide for yourself what kind of story you want to become part of.